I’ll rise up

I’m sinking.

I don’t share the depths. I don’t ask for help. I wanted someone to notice but no one did.

The past 2 and a half years have been the worst of it. The worst of my life. I put on a half-assed smile for everyone and that was enough to appease and to let them off the hook from having to ask “How are you?” “I’m good, I’m fine” “No, really, how are you?”

Discomfort is hard, especially when it’s not yours. But if you don’t reach into anothers’ discomfort, how can you expect anyone to reach into yours?

As I was playing with the dogs, feeling like every pound of my body was actually 5 I had this thought…

Today in the depths of struggle but tomorrow I’ll rise up.

Because if there is one thing I still have, it’s my hope for better, my desire for more, my never letting go of my dreams. That’s how I know I’m ok, that I’ll be ok. That one day I will look back on this season of my life as the one that gave me the strength of 5 lifetimes.

And I’ll rise up
High like the waves
I’ll rise up
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousands times again

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Don’t force it

One of the lessons I have learned in the last year is that no matter how bad you think you want something, no matter how right it seems or feels, if you find yourself forcing it it is likely not what you really want or not what you need.

After leaving my corporate career, I immediately started jumping toward a dream I had. I put a lot of time, money and effort into trying to make this dream become a reality and very quickly it started to feel really painful. It started off as feeling like everything that could go wrong was. I tried to adjust my mindset, tried to tell myself that every hiccup was a learning experience. I was convinced that if I just kept working hard that things would start to fall into place.

What happened though was that I started to feel miserable. In the past I would have wallowed in this misery and stuck to this path no matter what because I had convinced myself it was what I wanted, what I NEEDED even. Never give up on your dreams right?

Wrong.

Not to say give up on your dreams entirely but perhaps give up on the preconceived idea of exactly what it should look like and when it should happen. Because things rarely go according to our plan or our timing.

I had a realization one day that I was forcing it. Forcing every little thing and in doing so was creating resistance to the very thing I thought I wanted most. And in that moment, I decided to let go. To stop, to reign it in, to stop investing so much of myself and my resources on my dream. Maybe it wasn’t the right embodiment of my dream.

And because I like to learn the hard way, I moved from that dream to another in short order and ended up mirroring the same exact behaviors: Force, Resistance, Frustration, etc.

So I let go again.

This time I sat without a plan, I embraced a lot of boredom (painfully I will admit) and I just let each day come and try not to obsess (I failed plenty and obsessed plenty) about what my next steps would be.

Then I started getting random “signs” if you will. All pointing to a dream that I had long forgotten. And while this dream is the biggest and scariest one of all, I am exploring it from a distance, taking a couple of test steps and letting it unfold (or not) the way it may.

Trying not to force it.